The Unwanted Admirer

Sure, attention can be flattering but we all have times when we are just not in the mood to deal with it! Here are some of my own personal top tips on what to do when faced with this kind of situation. Feel free to leave any of your own suggestions in the comments section at the bottom!

The easiest way of dealing with a situation like this is to establish what is happening BEFORE the person approaches you. Warning signs to look out for include:

1. Lingering stares. Watch out for the characteristic red/inflamed looking eyes that can occur when somebody forgets to blink.
2. Excessive drooling.
3. Shirt unbuttoning.
4. Cash flashing.
5. Overly flamboyant gestures as they try to attract your attention.
6. Erratic eyebrow raising/twitching.

At this point, it is imperative that you act in a way that will discourage them. Here are some ideas:

1. Start talking to yourself. If possible, this should be done loudly and in a variety of accents for maximum impact.
2. Run away. It's not ideal, but if you're not too bothered about staying where you are then sprinting out the nearest door is an option.
3. Hide (eg under a table, behind a plant, up a tree). This is an alternative for if you really don't want to leave. Make sure you don't emerge again until the coast is clear though.
4. Display a disgusting habit. Make sure this is unquestionably disgusting though, and not something that your admirer may find strangely attractive.
5. Drastically alter your appearance so as to appear less attractive to the person. Walk off to the nearest toilets and reappear with coffee spilt down you, wildly backcombed hair and your clothes on back to front. Alternatively, leave the area and go for a quick run. Once you return (red-faced, wheezing and sweating profusely) your admirer might not be quite so admiring.

Unfortunately, we don't always notice the signs before it is too late. So here are some suggestions for how to act if you are approached:

1. Ignore the person. Literally. Just act as though they aren't even there. If this works well then your admirer will give up and walk away. Yipee!
2. Once they start talking to you pretend to not understand any English. Respond in a pretend (yet authentic sounding) language and look generally confused.
3. Adopt a look of extreme distress/irritation and begin scratching your entire body. Then look at your admirer and say, 'Don't worry. It's not very contagious'.
4. Talk casually about your imminent appearance in court to face a murder charge. Complain about how it was an 'accident' and how you believe the police response to be an 'over-reaction'.
5. Talk endlessly about your 30 cats, naming each of them and giving detailed accounts of all their attributes.
6. Pretend that the person located nearest to you is your boyfriend/girlfriend. Embrace/kiss them to add to the authenticity. (Ask beforehand though or things could turn nasty!)
7. Talk enthusiastically about your plans to get married ASAP and have at least 15 children. (Just to warn you though, this can backfire horribly if used on the wrong person.)

Do not use this advice in response to a stalker. Contact the police instead.

Photo used under Creative Commons from blair_25